Dear
Docmomi...
Docmomi...
Dear Docmomi,
I am involved in a lawsuit with my child's father. He refuses to
pay child support, refuses to see him, repeatedly takes me to
court and wants to ruin my life. I am completely out of money
and social services cannot help with my case. I am a paralegal by
profession and have attempted to represent myself in court.
Every person I have written for help leads me to another dead
end. I am exhausted and running out of options.
Any ideas?
Determined, but feeling defeated
Dear Determined,
What a nightmare. I am so sorry to hear what you are having to
face with this deadbeat. Clearly, he is unwell and his man desire
is selfishly focused on his own anger rather than what is good
for his child.
I am not an attorney, but I have contacted one for a few tidbits
of advice. She does recommend that you take your case back to
social services to take another look at garnishing his wages and
suspending his license. I understand that in the past this has
not been successful for you, but that was some time ago and
having someone else in the legal system working on your behalf
might make his situation a bit more uncomfortable. Ultimately, it
seems that he is not interested in a relationship with his son,
perhaps it is time to move on legally and go about relinquishing
his emotional hold on you and your son.
Good luck and stick with it. Write me personally at
docmomi@adviceathand.com
Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I have been in a relationship with B for ten years. I love him and
he is the father of my two children. We are still not married, not
because he isn't interested but because I still refuse to marry
him. He has a real drinking problem and practically every Friday
night he gets stupid drunk and makes us all miserable. He
becomes aggressive and sloppy and starts fights over anything.
I have gotten into the habit of being gone most Friday nights
with the kids and getting in after he passes out. By Saturday,
he is cranky, but sober and then we have a normal weekend.
What is his problem??? He is a hard worker and a good dad
except for Friday nights! I wish I could erase the day, it is so
bizarre.
What's up with this?
Dee
Hi Dee,
Wow, interesting case. I am not a psychiatrist, but this sure
wreaks of some long term pattern that perhaps he witnessed as
a child or got into as an adult. I can see your dilemma. The
problem here is that your boyfriend is a somewhat functional
binge drinker. My guess is that he uses Friday nights to let go
of all of the stress he feels during his work week with drinking,
and once he has changed hats (after his binge), he feels better
and moves onto the weekend.
I would recommend a couple of things, first is to get him talking
about what is going on. I would suggest bringing up what you
love about him and then directly addressing the binge drinking
and what you think about it. If he is at all receptive to this
discussion, I would challenge him a little replacement therapy. It
may sound crazy, but I would suggest getting him out to do
something physical after work on Friday nights (running for an
hour, going to the gym, playing golf, etc...). Many of us have a
way of bundling up all of our stresses and emotions and have
not developed skills on releases them, transitional therapy if
often successful with addictions because it exchanges a positive
with a negative (endorphins for alcohol). It is possible that he
may still like a beer or two afterwards, but may reduce the need
to be excessive about it. Also, opening up about the situation
might act like a release to the pressure that he might be feeling.
Let me know how this goes and if he becomes receptive to
seeking additional outside support.
Best wishes!
Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I had heard from a friend that she saw my husband out with an
attractive female coworker. At first, I was okay with it and sort
of brushed it off, but when I asked him about it later I saw that
his face went red and he got defensive! I got this horrible feeling
in my stomach that something was wrong. He denied anything
was going on, but I just know from his reaction and his recent
distance from me (no interest in sex...) that my marriage might
be over. I am sick and cannot concentrate. I am angry too!!! I
am afraid to pursue it, but I know I need to dig further. Part of
me wants to just run out and have an affair and let him suffer!
Please, please advise me!
Forlorn
Dear Forlorn,
First of all, take a big long breath...and then take another one.
Before you spin all of this out of control, you need to bring your
heart beat way down low. I really mean that. Get out and take a
long walk, run, bicycle ride, then sit down with your best friend
or your mom/sister, someone who is level headed and knows
you both. If your husband is having an affair then you need to
find out more information before racing to a divorce lawyer.
Once you unravel your emotions somewhat, then set a time to
sit down and discuss this with your husband...hopefully, without
alcohol. More fights start with lips loosened by a drink or two!
When you talk to him really listen to what he is saying...do not
attack...treat him like you would a girlfriend...what he says may
surprise you. If sneaky behavior begins or continues and/or he
fesses up that something is going on, then ask around for a
good family therapist. If you cannot find one, write back to me
and I will assist you. Again, deep breaths, let your anger out
and your logic in and talk it out. Best of luck to you...Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I have begun dating a man that is of a different culture and
religious background. My parents are very traditional and would
completely disown me if they found out, so I have been
sneaking around and lying. I feel horrible, but I am so drawn to
him and also curious about our differences. It is may be too
soon, but I do think that I am in love with him. Do I risk telling
my parents and having them forbid me to see him?
In love
Dear In Love,
Many of my clients have struggled with such delicate situations.
Often we do know in our heart what we should do, but the lure
of passion is a strong one! I do believe that love can overcome
many obstacles, I also know that the victims in the long run can
be any future children that you may have and/or damage that
can be done by sneaking around. I do hope that if you are
physically involved that you are being safe about it, as the
results could be disastrous. It is so much easier to raise a family
when your partner is accepted by your family. Secrets are really
not good for any one and the truth almost always comes out.
Because it is still so early in your relationship and no harm has
been done, do speak to your mother about your new love
interest (or your father...whomever you feel closer to in these
matters). Tradition and culture are beautiful things to be
preserved as is respect. Perhaps you will learn something about
your own family by speaking to them first.
Best of luck and keep in touch,
Docmomi
I am involved in a lawsuit with my child's father. He refuses to
pay child support, refuses to see him, repeatedly takes me to
court and wants to ruin my life. I am completely out of money
and social services cannot help with my case. I am a paralegal by
profession and have attempted to represent myself in court.
Every person I have written for help leads me to another dead
end. I am exhausted and running out of options.
Any ideas?
Determined, but feeling defeated
Dear Determined,
What a nightmare. I am so sorry to hear what you are having to
face with this deadbeat. Clearly, he is unwell and his man desire
is selfishly focused on his own anger rather than what is good
for his child.
I am not an attorney, but I have contacted one for a few tidbits
of advice. She does recommend that you take your case back to
social services to take another look at garnishing his wages and
suspending his license. I understand that in the past this has
not been successful for you, but that was some time ago and
having someone else in the legal system working on your behalf
might make his situation a bit more uncomfortable. Ultimately, it
seems that he is not interested in a relationship with his son,
perhaps it is time to move on legally and go about relinquishing
his emotional hold on you and your son.
Good luck and stick with it. Write me personally at
docmomi@adviceathand.com
Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I have been in a relationship with B for ten years. I love him and
he is the father of my two children. We are still not married, not
because he isn't interested but because I still refuse to marry
him. He has a real drinking problem and practically every Friday
night he gets stupid drunk and makes us all miserable. He
becomes aggressive and sloppy and starts fights over anything.
I have gotten into the habit of being gone most Friday nights
with the kids and getting in after he passes out. By Saturday,
he is cranky, but sober and then we have a normal weekend.
What is his problem??? He is a hard worker and a good dad
except for Friday nights! I wish I could erase the day, it is so
bizarre.
What's up with this?
Dee
Hi Dee,
Wow, interesting case. I am not a psychiatrist, but this sure
wreaks of some long term pattern that perhaps he witnessed as
a child or got into as an adult. I can see your dilemma. The
problem here is that your boyfriend is a somewhat functional
binge drinker. My guess is that he uses Friday nights to let go
of all of the stress he feels during his work week with drinking,
and once he has changed hats (after his binge), he feels better
and moves onto the weekend.
I would recommend a couple of things, first is to get him talking
about what is going on. I would suggest bringing up what you
love about him and then directly addressing the binge drinking
and what you think about it. If he is at all receptive to this
discussion, I would challenge him a little replacement therapy. It
may sound crazy, but I would suggest getting him out to do
something physical after work on Friday nights (running for an
hour, going to the gym, playing golf, etc...). Many of us have a
way of bundling up all of our stresses and emotions and have
not developed skills on releases them, transitional therapy if
often successful with addictions because it exchanges a positive
with a negative (endorphins for alcohol). It is possible that he
may still like a beer or two afterwards, but may reduce the need
to be excessive about it. Also, opening up about the situation
might act like a release to the pressure that he might be feeling.
Let me know how this goes and if he becomes receptive to
seeking additional outside support.
Best wishes!
Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I had heard from a friend that she saw my husband out with an
attractive female coworker. At first, I was okay with it and sort
of brushed it off, but when I asked him about it later I saw that
his face went red and he got defensive! I got this horrible feeling
in my stomach that something was wrong. He denied anything
was going on, but I just know from his reaction and his recent
distance from me (no interest in sex...) that my marriage might
be over. I am sick and cannot concentrate. I am angry too!!! I
am afraid to pursue it, but I know I need to dig further. Part of
me wants to just run out and have an affair and let him suffer!
Please, please advise me!
Forlorn
Dear Forlorn,
First of all, take a big long breath...and then take another one.
Before you spin all of this out of control, you need to bring your
heart beat way down low. I really mean that. Get out and take a
long walk, run, bicycle ride, then sit down with your best friend
or your mom/sister, someone who is level headed and knows
you both. If your husband is having an affair then you need to
find out more information before racing to a divorce lawyer.
Once you unravel your emotions somewhat, then set a time to
sit down and discuss this with your husband...hopefully, without
alcohol. More fights start with lips loosened by a drink or two!
When you talk to him really listen to what he is saying...do not
attack...treat him like you would a girlfriend...what he says may
surprise you. If sneaky behavior begins or continues and/or he
fesses up that something is going on, then ask around for a
good family therapist. If you cannot find one, write back to me
and I will assist you. Again, deep breaths, let your anger out
and your logic in and talk it out. Best of luck to you...Docmomi
Dear Docmomi,
I have begun dating a man that is of a different culture and
religious background. My parents are very traditional and would
completely disown me if they found out, so I have been
sneaking around and lying. I feel horrible, but I am so drawn to
him and also curious about our differences. It is may be too
soon, but I do think that I am in love with him. Do I risk telling
my parents and having them forbid me to see him?
In love
Dear In Love,
Many of my clients have struggled with such delicate situations.
Often we do know in our heart what we should do, but the lure
of passion is a strong one! I do believe that love can overcome
many obstacles, I also know that the victims in the long run can
be any future children that you may have and/or damage that
can be done by sneaking around. I do hope that if you are
physically involved that you are being safe about it, as the
results could be disastrous. It is so much easier to raise a family
when your partner is accepted by your family. Secrets are really
not good for any one and the truth almost always comes out.
Because it is still so early in your relationship and no harm has
been done, do speak to your mother about your new love
interest (or your father...whomever you feel closer to in these
matters). Tradition and culture are beautiful things to be
preserved as is respect. Perhaps you will learn something about
your own family by speaking to them first.
Best of luck and keep in touch,
Docmomi
To have your letter answered by Docmomi
write to docmomi@adviceathand.com
write to docmomi@adviceathand.com
ADVICE AT HAND
 | |  | |  |
Don’t give up on your marriage…
Couples all over the globe give up on their marriages
every year, and they do so needlessly. If they knew what
to do to open the lines of communication and talk to
their partners, they could save themselves a lot of stress
and heartache.
You never thought the day you married that you would
end up divorcing. In fact, it would have been the furthest
thing from your mind. If you don’t take action now, your
marriage will fail.
Online author Amy Waterman has all the techniques
necessary to facilitate resolving conflicts, increase self
esteem, learn about forgiveness, and re ignite the
passion that you both once felt. With Amy’s help you
can save your marriage and avoid being a divorce
statistic. It may be the best advice you have ever had!
Visit: http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com
And avoid being another statistic....
Couples all over the globe give up on their marriages
every year, and they do so needlessly. If they knew what
to do to open the lines of communication and talk to
their partners, they could save themselves a lot of stress
and heartache.
You never thought the day you married that you would
end up divorcing. In fact, it would have been the furthest
thing from your mind. If you don’t take action now, your
marriage will fail.
Online author Amy Waterman has all the techniques
necessary to facilitate resolving conflicts, increase self
esteem, learn about forgiveness, and re ignite the
passion that you both once felt. With Amy’s help you
can save your marriage and avoid being a divorce
statistic. It may be the best advice you have ever had!
Visit: http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com
And avoid being another statistic....