Advice at Hand
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Spring, 2010
Words from Docmomi
Cancer.
Sneaky, scary, all-encompassing. Did not know you before, know you
now.
Dealing with the unexpected.
We have heard the quotes, well "expect the worst and hope for the
best" that has been my motto most of my life. I developed this after
several incidents of believing in someone or something or relishing in a
moment only to get slammed unexpectantly. Surprisingly, I am not a
pessimist, but rather, consider myself a realist. I do believe in the
power of focus and in Karma, particularly when one does something
that can harm others. Most often, our Karmic payback comes in the
form of hardship and learning about the consequences of our actions.
I have seen that the power of belief and prayer can bring about
positive resolutions when you least expect it. My experience has also
been that results take much more time than we would hope!
Just some thoughts.
Docmomi
___________________________
About The Secret...
Commentary on The Secret and how to Fill that Gap
Since the release of the book and the DVD, The Secret has saturated the
market in mostly a positive way. I have read and re-read The Secret for
at least two years now…I am actually on my second copy because the
first was so worn from reading.
However, there is a glaring gap for those of us who have read the book
several times and have attempted to live it daily. The majority of the
authors in each of the segments admonish us repeatedly about emitting
new feelings and thoughts (p. 142 “You have to go within and emit a
new signal with your thoughts and feelings to create the new
pictures.”) or (p. 102 “You have to find a way that works for you to
focus on prosperity, despite the bills around you”).
Now here is the problem that I see and have experienced with the
information offered in The Secret, and what I can offer to fill in that
gap…
For most of us, if we “knew” how to “emit” new feelings we would not
be in the predicament we are in or would not be stuck in our current
thinking patterns. Isn’t that the reason we are reading the book? There
are great ideas, lots of inspiration. But how do we do it??? Isn’t that
the point? We all know the biblical reference of learning to fish versus
being provided for. One thing is to be “told” what we should be doing
or how we “should” be feeling to tap into the abundance that is out
there for everyone, but the most important aspect to any theory or
philosophy is to be instructed on “how” to replicate it.
I am like you. I have struggled like you. And, I am striving to re-wire
my way of thinking. Over the last decade, I have read other books too.
Namely, works by Deepak Chopra and other inspired thinkers (Iyanla
Vanzant for example). I have gone from book to book, absorbing them
in the moment and experiencing that amazing feeling when you know
that something is enlightening and life changing. Amazingly, with all of
the books out there less than ten authors have affected me in this way.
Let me share with you my recipe for tapping into these life changing
author-philosophers and how to maximize your experience from their
works.
Write to customerservice@adviceathand.com to let me assist you with
this helpful information. The fee is minimal, but the keys that I share
with you are life changing. Get the most from these authors using this
hands on approach to help yourself and others! The bottom line is,
most of the theories from The Secret and similar approaches can work,
and we just need to know what to do in order to experience the results.
On another note....dating
Check List
1. Has it been over 3 years since your last boyfriend/girlfriend or date?
2. Do all of your relationships end with someone being unfaithful?
3. When you are dating someone or in a relationship, do you "dump"
your friends, skirt your work, and put all of your energy into that one
person?
And the answer is...if you said "yes" to just one or more of these
questions, it might be helpful to seek a little dating assistance. Even if
none of these questions related to you, but you are really feeling stuck
and sort of helpless in the dating realm then invest in yourself and
purchase my dating guide, which includes a dating assessment and
consultation via email. Click on this icon to sign up
Find your Soul Mate! (click on any part to go to link)...
Having written a few dating articles and questionnaires on my own, I
realized that there are lots of these books on the shelves at your local
bookstore. It can be overwhelming, especially if the ones you have read
have not instigated any major transformation in you. However, I am
going to recommend one to you that might just be a little different. The
title is a little sexist sounding (!), but the stuff in it is extremely useful
and may make a person more aware of their patterns that are not
working.
It is Mirabelle Summers' course "Get a Guy Guide: From Initial Reaction
to Life Long Attraction,"
One thing that I liked is that it is an ebook - so you can get it
immediately, privately - and you do not have to risk embarrassment
when checking it out (!) and most importantly - you can begin the work
today. It is a "step by step" format, much like a manual or instructional
guide. This may seem silly at first, but just trust the process and it takes
the pressure off of you and eliminates much of the second guessing.
Here is a quote from one of the sites...
"The next thing I noticed is that the title really doesn't do the course
justice. Mirabelle points out in the very first page that it's about much
more than just getting the guy, in fact it's about unlocking key mindsets
and letting go of the unconscious limiting beliefs that hold us back. I
had no idea how powerful and limiting our inner-speak is until I read
this book."
"And the great thing is, Mirabelle Summers and the team at Meet Your
Sweet are so confident in the quality of this book (and it really is
amazing), that she's willing to allow you to do a $5 trial for 7 days
BEFORE paying for the rest of it. Now if that isn't risk free, then I don't
know what is."
So, if you are still in the trenches and maybe want to give something
else a try, I recommend that you go check out the website and give it a
go. I may be hearing a success story from you soon!
Visit http://www.meetyoursweet.com?aff=docmomi&pg=getguywom
Good luck!
Docmomi
Economy - Money, money, money...
The Money Crunch...is it affecting you?
If not, you are lucky! Here are a few suggestions in cutting out frills to
build up resources again or parlay them into profit gaining endeavors.
1. Clean you own house for awhile. I have saved hundreds of dollars by
doing this! If you currently have a cleaning service or a lawn service
every week or two times a month then cut back or eliminate it. It is an
easy way to add a couple hundred dollars or more back in you wallet.
2. Wash your own car and cut back on dry cleaning...
3. Try to replace your high interest credit cards with lower interest
ones. Call your credit card companies and let them know that you are
considering dropping their card unless they can help you out with a
reduction in fees or interest rates. Also, inform them if you are suffering
a hardship. They will more often work with someone with struggling
credit than good credit...sad, but true! Not all of them will
accommodate, but surprisingly, some will.
4. Sell things on Ebay or Craig's List. Get rid of the clothes, games,
computers, etc...that are taking up precious space and can add extra
income.
5. Teach your children the value of money and how to earn it through
chores and positive behavior.
February 2009 - Parenting Advice 101 - Watch out for bullying
behavior...
One of the issues that can get swept under the rug by parents and
teachers is bullying behavior. Bullies, when allowed to act and not be
confronted, will continue to up the ante. Whether the bully is your child
or your child has been bullied it is every parent's responsibility to step
in and inform the teacher, school and to talk to your child about it.
Hearing in the news about what appear to be random suicides by young
people in schools is horrifying. The most recent, a hanging of an
elementary school child!!! This is crazy! We have to stay connected to
our children. We must keep the lines of communication open. How can
this happen in a public school? What or whom badgered this little boy
or played a part in this incident? What parent can live to the next day
after experiencing such a loss? It just boggles the mind and breaks the
heart in so many ways.
The other story about the young man who was a football player (a big
kid/football player/does not make sense!) and was driven to take his
own life after years of incessant teasing and bullying. The kids knew
about it. This siblings knew about it...this stuff is no joke. We have to
step in and find out what is going on and take those stories about such
incidents very seriously.
And do not forget about cyber bullies. What about the MOM who
pretended to be a boy, wrote emails to a girl that her daughter disliked
for some reason, got the girl emotionally involved and then the faux
boyfriend dumped her. The girl committed suicide over the incident.
Please make time to talk about your child's world. Find out who they
like, how their day went and talk to their teachers/friends. Kids keep
this stuff inside (didn't you?). The communication will not happen over
night, but it will come. I have a little routine with my son. At least once
a week we go out for yogurt or a smoothie after school and it is just
the two of us. We have a stump that we sit on and watch the traffic go
by. It is at this spot, where I often hear the stories of being hit or
pushed, getting in trouble, having his feelings hurt or just having a
tough day (which might include tears). I have found during this time or
when walking home from school the information flows. It can come out
randomly, but always when it is just he and I and when he is feeling
connected and safe.
It is great to start these routines when the kids are young. Agree to go
to place that they want to go to (I always give him the choice). The
hope is to keep this line of communication solid so that when they are
tweens or teens we have that closeness and trust.
In counseling, I have recommended this with teens and I have seen
tremendous growth between parents and their children when they
make this commitment. It is different than just driving someone to a
class or an obligation. This is "their time" period...no talking to the
office, your friends, other family members during this time (unless there
is an emergency obviously). We also have the "no consequence" rule
for telling the truth...nothing will road block the truth more than
punishing them for it after - it is like the ultimate "bait" and "switch," so
please do not do it. Bad or good work, with it some other way.
Let's keep them safe and connected,
Docmomi
For more tips or advice on a specific subject write to
docmomi@adviceathand.com
From September, 2008 - Parenting 101 by Docmomi
Recently, I encountered a situation where there was an unchecked
bully in the midst. This child was telling younger ones that they will "get
hit by cars and die" and other really scary phrases with negative and
dire consequences. In addition to this situation, the parents of this child
were unconcerned and unmoved by the inappropriateness of this
behavior and were remiss to discipline their child. After speaking with
the teacher about it, we discovered that the one person this child
responded to was his grandmother. So, I emphasized the importance of
bringing her into the loop and utilizing that relationship into the forming
of consequences for this child's actions. In addition, I reminded the
teacher that there were steps that could to be taken (behavior
contracts, written warnings to create a paper trail, and dismissal from
school), if the child continued the negative behavior and the family
failed to address the issue at home.
What I have found in working with schools, that sometimes the
teachers are also "afraid" or avoid confronting the bully. They are often
intimidated by the child or the parents of the child and do not realize
that they are perpetuating the cycle. It is the adults who are ultimately
responsible for the creation of a bully. The bullying behavior will
continue if unchecked, it will escalate, and the child will lose precious
time in developing appropriate interactive skills with others. Too often
these children lack the social skills and positive network that would
reinforce friendly interaction with others. Psychologically, they become
just as happy with the negative reinforcement and the reactions they
receive from their victims. And note, very often these bullies do move
on to the juvenile system because they are not dealt with early.
Remember, the bully does not like being confronted. They are used to
being feared and that fear fuels their appetite for more negative
behavior. Call them out via the teacher or the school. Arrange a
meeting, if necessary, with the parents and the child, and make sure to
give your child the tools to face up to a bully when the time comes.
Standing up to a bully will be more empowering to your child and less
empowering to the bully. If enough children and adults have a no
tolerance stance on bullying there will be fewer incidence of it on the
school ground - giving both the victims and the bully an opportunity to
have a more positive school experience.
_______________________
From June/July 2008
Birthday Party Blues...
This weekend I was at a birthday party for a five year old. There were
about a dozen boys most of whom attended the same school and were
ranging in ages 4 1/2 to 5 1/2. One of the little boys, who was tall for
his age, was having a hard time adapting to the environment and
situation. The party was at a martial arts studio and the games and
interactions were mostly competitive. However, even before that part
became evident he was noticeably uncomfortable.
After a short warm up time of mainly just rolling around and rough-
housing a bit, the instructors moved the kids into the main area where
classes are usually held. Suddenly, the mother of the little boy was
walking him out, hand held, apologizing to the mother of the birthday
boy, that they had to leave.
Observing this, and having had a little chat about this same boy with his
mother earlier at the party, my "intervention-hyper-alert" buzzer
sounded off. Docmomi, to the rescue (or I might need rescuing!)...This
is the part where I edged myself in a bit to dissuade such an action. As
subtly as possible, I said to the little boy something like "we sure hope
you can stay and maybe just watch for awhile if you want to...I know
they will be having cake and I know your friends would love for you to
stay."
Now, I was not sure if the mother of the boy who was leaving was
pleased with my little intervention, but I then went a step further to say
something like "wouldn't it be great if he could just stay and watch his
friends for awhile???" I then backed off and kind of just let it resonate
for a few minutes. Much to my surprise, the mom stuck with it. Slowly
they migrated back into the main room again, he enjoyed the cake they
had later and by the end of the 2-hour party he was participating in the
games with the other boys (even a game of tug-o-war which he was
really good at because of his size!).
I saw this as such an accomplishment for this brave little boy who
learned a great lesson about not racing out because it was scary for
him. I loved the fact that this little boy stated his fears to his mom. That
shows that there is trust and compassion. At the same time, our job as
parents is to help our children to stretch and learn and overcome their
fears. If we fail to do this we might possibly raise a person who is
controlled and debilitated by their fears.
This little boy's accomplishment that day, was truly a win for everyone.
His mother might have learned not to give it to her child's initial
objections and fears about an event, etc...while at the same time, he
will learn that big boy parties can be pretty fun once you get the hang
of it.
Final note...Docmomi does not suggest ignoring or giving validation to
concerns or fears that our children have...quite the opposite. What was
done in this situation by those around the little boy was active listening
and compassion about his fears and then "reframing" them to the
possible positive feelings that might come later.
Live large and have a great week-yours Docmomi
Feeling the Crazies??
So Let's Talk About Parenting...
If you feel like your head is spinning, odds are, your children are running the show.
Have you ever been with a friend and have seen her eyes kind of get that "look"? It
is a look that represents how most of us have felt at one time or another, but it is as
if she is "on her last nerve" (as one of my friend's refers to it!).
The "look" is often brought on by the dynamics that can occur with parents who have
lost the reins somehow. They negotiate too much with their children, make threats
that they never follow through on and avoid going "toe to toe" with their child's
acting out behavior.
The problem with this "avoidance" is that it empowers the child that in certain
situations you are not going to call them on the negative stuff. If you feel like your
child has figured out that they will not have a "time out" in public, then odds are you
will experience some acting out in those environments (you know, your favorite
scenes...child wailing at the bank, grocery store, etc...inciting the morbid stares of all
the other customers!). However, I do not support parents missing out on the things
they enjoy because of unruly behaviors by their child. So, in advance, figure out the
things that your child would not want to miss out on (special event, toy, class, etc...)
and let that be your tool in these public and delicate situations! Give them a warning
that if they do not "turn it around" that they will not get to play with that favorite toy
(see that movie, get those shoes...) and expect improved behavior. If that does not
happen, then let them know only after the task has been completed and you are
safely in your car again, that they just lost their privileges.
Let me tell you something...it is much easier to lay down a tough and solid boundary
with your 4, 5 or 6 year old, than it will be when they are 12. If you are afraid of the
ramifications now, you will clearly have lost that power when they are teenagers.
Here is the thing, kids need the boundaries, they need to know and feel that someone
is in charge and that the program is clear. The greatest disservice we can do to our
children is to be wishy-washy or unclear. Kids need to learn early on how to deal
with disappointment too. It is this process that will help them to problem solve and
develop the skills to deal with adversity later on. Children who do not have clear
boundaries will continue to push the envelope and often fail to learn the concept of
respect...I have seen this time and again with kids that are in the juvenile system.
Give yourself a break and take charge again...it is okay!
So, when you are feeling a little guilty for sending your child to bed for slapping their
sibling, speaking disrespectfully to you, or throwing a tantrum when asked to
perform a basic task; think again. Odds are after a few incidents of tough parenting
with Mom or Dad (or other caregivers) they will know who is boss and they will
respect you more for it.
The parental credo that I follow is "reward the behavior you want to see" and "do
not reinforce negative behavior by giving it lots of attention" (that is when you
negotiate too much, do not follow through with punishment, etc...). More on this topic
later, but give the child one chance to improve the situation and if they repeat the
negative behavior shortly thereafter quickly implement the punishment...which may
be a time out, removal from the room, removal of their favorite toy, etc...
For more tips or questions about specific behaviors feel free to write to me at
docmomi@adviceathand.com or go to the Services Page for email coaching.
From August 2008
You know that life can give us a swift kick. Even with the best
intentions we can get stung or a little bruised!
Yesterday, I went onto an IVF site to assist in my own journey with IF.
I happened upon a post and I responded to it as a counselor and not a
peer (not smart!). In my defense, they did not know that I had been
through the same thing for some time (I could not retrieve my old ID
and by accident put in my email address instead...making me look like a
newbie with tude...). However, taking responsibility for my common
approach of jumping in too quickly, it was my bad for not treading a
little more carefully! Lesson learned.
With that said, I did come across a couple of really great sites for
women dealing with infertility...
www.Fertilethoughts.com
www.twoweekwait.com
www.ivfsupportcentral.com
www.fertilitystories.com
www.givf.com
Relationships and letting go...
If you have to ask, then something probably is not right. How many
times have you listened to a girl friend complain about that boyfriend?
She's "been with him" (whatever that means!) for four years and he is
rarely seen at family functions or at parties with friends or helping her
when she needs it. Yet, she gushes about "how amazing" he is and how
she "feels" when she is with him (4 days out of the month) and you are
strongly suspecting that he is involved with someone else. So...what do
you do? Send her here ASAP...seriously! Have her write to me. This is
probably the most common stumbling block for otherwise bright
women. They lose much of their precious years and then find
themselves hovering around 40 and feeling oddly desperate and
frustrated and eventually not loving themselves as they should.
As her close friend, it is pretty much impossible to convince her that he
is a dimey dog (my expression...I will explain if you would like at
another time!), and she is the loser in the process. Also, as you have
already figured out, it does not help the relationship much when you
bring it up and she then directs her anger towards you...well, that is
just a bunch of yuck!
So, if this sounds way too familiar and/or the person we are talking
about is maybe even you...then write to me and we will figure out a
healthy way for you (or your friend) to have the life you want :)
Expectations...
Do you feel a bit puzzled, frustrated, yet excited about dating? If so, join the club!
Many of us going through the trenches of dating relationships have experienced all of
the above. A big problem is having different expectations from the person you are
interested in. Often we hear and see and project what we want onto the other
person or situation. That is the first mistake! The second is just not listening to what
the other person is really saying about where they stand and what they have to
offer. Get clear about what you want from a relationship and then try not to put those
expectations on the other person. If you really listen and pay attention to whether
their actions match their words then you might get on the right track. If you want to
work more specifically on your dating life and/or relationship please sign up for the
E-Article on dating and let's get started or sign up for my "dating coach" emails. Go
to my Services page or email me at docmomi@adviceathand.com...and get on with
your life.
Words from Docmomi
Cancer.
Sneaky, scary, all-encompassing. Did not know you before, know you
now.
Dealing with the unexpected.
We have heard the quotes, well "expect the worst and hope for the
best" that has been my motto most of my life. I developed this after
several incidents of believing in someone or something or relishing in a
moment only to get slammed unexpectantly. Surprisingly, I am not a
pessimist, but rather, consider myself a realist. I do believe in the
power of focus and in Karma, particularly when one does something
that can harm others. Most often, our Karmic payback comes in the
form of hardship and learning about the consequences of our actions.
I have seen that the power of belief and prayer can bring about
positive resolutions when you least expect it. My experience has also
been that results take much more time than we would hope!
Just some thoughts.
Docmomi
___________________________
About The Secret...
Commentary on The Secret and how to Fill that Gap
Since the release of the book and the DVD, The Secret has saturated the
market in mostly a positive way. I have read and re-read The Secret for
at least two years now…I am actually on my second copy because the
first was so worn from reading.
However, there is a glaring gap for those of us who have read the book
several times and have attempted to live it daily. The majority of the
authors in each of the segments admonish us repeatedly about emitting
new feelings and thoughts (p. 142 “You have to go within and emit a
new signal with your thoughts and feelings to create the new
pictures.”) or (p. 102 “You have to find a way that works for you to
focus on prosperity, despite the bills around you”).
Now here is the problem that I see and have experienced with the
information offered in The Secret, and what I can offer to fill in that
gap…
For most of us, if we “knew” how to “emit” new feelings we would not
be in the predicament we are in or would not be stuck in our current
thinking patterns. Isn’t that the reason we are reading the book? There
are great ideas, lots of inspiration. But how do we do it??? Isn’t that
the point? We all know the biblical reference of learning to fish versus
being provided for. One thing is to be “told” what we should be doing
or how we “should” be feeling to tap into the abundance that is out
there for everyone, but the most important aspect to any theory or
philosophy is to be instructed on “how” to replicate it.
I am like you. I have struggled like you. And, I am striving to re-wire
my way of thinking. Over the last decade, I have read other books too.
Namely, works by Deepak Chopra and other inspired thinkers (Iyanla
Vanzant for example). I have gone from book to book, absorbing them
in the moment and experiencing that amazing feeling when you know
that something is enlightening and life changing. Amazingly, with all of
the books out there less than ten authors have affected me in this way.
Let me share with you my recipe for tapping into these life changing
author-philosophers and how to maximize your experience from their
works.
Write to customerservice@adviceathand.com to let me assist you with
this helpful information. The fee is minimal, but the keys that I share
with you are life changing. Get the most from these authors using this
hands on approach to help yourself and others! The bottom line is,
most of the theories from The Secret and similar approaches can work,
and we just need to know what to do in order to experience the results.
On another note....dating
Check List
1. Has it been over 3 years since your last boyfriend/girlfriend or date?
2. Do all of your relationships end with someone being unfaithful?
3. When you are dating someone or in a relationship, do you "dump"
your friends, skirt your work, and put all of your energy into that one
person?
And the answer is...if you said "yes" to just one or more of these
questions, it might be helpful to seek a little dating assistance. Even if
none of these questions related to you, but you are really feeling stuck
and sort of helpless in the dating realm then invest in yourself and
purchase my dating guide, which includes a dating assessment and
consultation via email. Click on this icon to sign up
Find your Soul Mate! (click on any part to go to link)...
Having written a few dating articles and questionnaires on my own, I
realized that there are lots of these books on the shelves at your local
bookstore. It can be overwhelming, especially if the ones you have read
have not instigated any major transformation in you. However, I am
going to recommend one to you that might just be a little different. The
title is a little sexist sounding (!), but the stuff in it is extremely useful
and may make a person more aware of their patterns that are not
working.
It is Mirabelle Summers' course "Get a Guy Guide: From Initial Reaction
to Life Long Attraction,"
One thing that I liked is that it is an ebook - so you can get it
immediately, privately - and you do not have to risk embarrassment
when checking it out (!) and most importantly - you can begin the work
today. It is a "step by step" format, much like a manual or instructional
guide. This may seem silly at first, but just trust the process and it takes
the pressure off of you and eliminates much of the second guessing.
Here is a quote from one of the sites...
"The next thing I noticed is that the title really doesn't do the course
justice. Mirabelle points out in the very first page that it's about much
more than just getting the guy, in fact it's about unlocking key mindsets
and letting go of the unconscious limiting beliefs that hold us back. I
had no idea how powerful and limiting our inner-speak is until I read
this book."
"And the great thing is, Mirabelle Summers and the team at Meet Your
Sweet are so confident in the quality of this book (and it really is
amazing), that she's willing to allow you to do a $5 trial for 7 days
BEFORE paying for the rest of it. Now if that isn't risk free, then I don't
know what is."
So, if you are still in the trenches and maybe want to give something
else a try, I recommend that you go check out the website and give it a
go. I may be hearing a success story from you soon!
Visit http://www.meetyoursweet.com?aff=docmomi&pg=getguywom
Good luck!
Docmomi
Economy - Money, money, money...
The Money Crunch...is it affecting you?
If not, you are lucky! Here are a few suggestions in cutting out frills to
build up resources again or parlay them into profit gaining endeavors.
1. Clean you own house for awhile. I have saved hundreds of dollars by
doing this! If you currently have a cleaning service or a lawn service
every week or two times a month then cut back or eliminate it. It is an
easy way to add a couple hundred dollars or more back in you wallet.
2. Wash your own car and cut back on dry cleaning...
3. Try to replace your high interest credit cards with lower interest
ones. Call your credit card companies and let them know that you are
considering dropping their card unless they can help you out with a
reduction in fees or interest rates. Also, inform them if you are suffering
a hardship. They will more often work with someone with struggling
credit than good credit...sad, but true! Not all of them will
accommodate, but surprisingly, some will.
4. Sell things on Ebay or Craig's List. Get rid of the clothes, games,
computers, etc...that are taking up precious space and can add extra
income.
5. Teach your children the value of money and how to earn it through
chores and positive behavior.
February 2009 - Parenting Advice 101 - Watch out for bullying
behavior...
One of the issues that can get swept under the rug by parents and
teachers is bullying behavior. Bullies, when allowed to act and not be
confronted, will continue to up the ante. Whether the bully is your child
or your child has been bullied it is every parent's responsibility to step
in and inform the teacher, school and to talk to your child about it.
Hearing in the news about what appear to be random suicides by young
people in schools is horrifying. The most recent, a hanging of an
elementary school child!!! This is crazy! We have to stay connected to
our children. We must keep the lines of communication open. How can
this happen in a public school? What or whom badgered this little boy
or played a part in this incident? What parent can live to the next day
after experiencing such a loss? It just boggles the mind and breaks the
heart in so many ways.
The other story about the young man who was a football player (a big
kid/football player/does not make sense!) and was driven to take his
own life after years of incessant teasing and bullying. The kids knew
about it. This siblings knew about it...this stuff is no joke. We have to
step in and find out what is going on and take those stories about such
incidents very seriously.
And do not forget about cyber bullies. What about the MOM who
pretended to be a boy, wrote emails to a girl that her daughter disliked
for some reason, got the girl emotionally involved and then the faux
boyfriend dumped her. The girl committed suicide over the incident.
Please make time to talk about your child's world. Find out who they
like, how their day went and talk to their teachers/friends. Kids keep
this stuff inside (didn't you?). The communication will not happen over
night, but it will come. I have a little routine with my son. At least once
a week we go out for yogurt or a smoothie after school and it is just
the two of us. We have a stump that we sit on and watch the traffic go
by. It is at this spot, where I often hear the stories of being hit or
pushed, getting in trouble, having his feelings hurt or just having a
tough day (which might include tears). I have found during this time or
when walking home from school the information flows. It can come out
randomly, but always when it is just he and I and when he is feeling
connected and safe.
It is great to start these routines when the kids are young. Agree to go
to place that they want to go to (I always give him the choice). The
hope is to keep this line of communication solid so that when they are
tweens or teens we have that closeness and trust.
In counseling, I have recommended this with teens and I have seen
tremendous growth between parents and their children when they
make this commitment. It is different than just driving someone to a
class or an obligation. This is "their time" period...no talking to the
office, your friends, other family members during this time (unless there
is an emergency obviously). We also have the "no consequence" rule
for telling the truth...nothing will road block the truth more than
punishing them for it after - it is like the ultimate "bait" and "switch," so
please do not do it. Bad or good work, with it some other way.
Let's keep them safe and connected,
Docmomi
For more tips or advice on a specific subject write to
docmomi@adviceathand.com
From September, 2008 - Parenting 101 by Docmomi
Recently, I encountered a situation where there was an unchecked
bully in the midst. This child was telling younger ones that they will "get
hit by cars and die" and other really scary phrases with negative and
dire consequences. In addition to this situation, the parents of this child
were unconcerned and unmoved by the inappropriateness of this
behavior and were remiss to discipline their child. After speaking with
the teacher about it, we discovered that the one person this child
responded to was his grandmother. So, I emphasized the importance of
bringing her into the loop and utilizing that relationship into the forming
of consequences for this child's actions. In addition, I reminded the
teacher that there were steps that could to be taken (behavior
contracts, written warnings to create a paper trail, and dismissal from
school), if the child continued the negative behavior and the family
failed to address the issue at home.
What I have found in working with schools, that sometimes the
teachers are also "afraid" or avoid confronting the bully. They are often
intimidated by the child or the parents of the child and do not realize
that they are perpetuating the cycle. It is the adults who are ultimately
responsible for the creation of a bully. The bullying behavior will
continue if unchecked, it will escalate, and the child will lose precious
time in developing appropriate interactive skills with others. Too often
these children lack the social skills and positive network that would
reinforce friendly interaction with others. Psychologically, they become
just as happy with the negative reinforcement and the reactions they
receive from their victims. And note, very often these bullies do move
on to the juvenile system because they are not dealt with early.
Remember, the bully does not like being confronted. They are used to
being feared and that fear fuels their appetite for more negative
behavior. Call them out via the teacher or the school. Arrange a
meeting, if necessary, with the parents and the child, and make sure to
give your child the tools to face up to a bully when the time comes.
Standing up to a bully will be more empowering to your child and less
empowering to the bully. If enough children and adults have a no
tolerance stance on bullying there will be fewer incidence of it on the
school ground - giving both the victims and the bully an opportunity to
have a more positive school experience.
_______________________
From June/July 2008
Birthday Party Blues...
This weekend I was at a birthday party for a five year old. There were
about a dozen boys most of whom attended the same school and were
ranging in ages 4 1/2 to 5 1/2. One of the little boys, who was tall for
his age, was having a hard time adapting to the environment and
situation. The party was at a martial arts studio and the games and
interactions were mostly competitive. However, even before that part
became evident he was noticeably uncomfortable.
After a short warm up time of mainly just rolling around and rough-
housing a bit, the instructors moved the kids into the main area where
classes are usually held. Suddenly, the mother of the little boy was
walking him out, hand held, apologizing to the mother of the birthday
boy, that they had to leave.
Observing this, and having had a little chat about this same boy with his
mother earlier at the party, my "intervention-hyper-alert" buzzer
sounded off. Docmomi, to the rescue (or I might need rescuing!)...This
is the part where I edged myself in a bit to dissuade such an action. As
subtly as possible, I said to the little boy something like "we sure hope
you can stay and maybe just watch for awhile if you want to...I know
they will be having cake and I know your friends would love for you to
stay."
Now, I was not sure if the mother of the boy who was leaving was
pleased with my little intervention, but I then went a step further to say
something like "wouldn't it be great if he could just stay and watch his
friends for awhile???" I then backed off and kind of just let it resonate
for a few minutes. Much to my surprise, the mom stuck with it. Slowly
they migrated back into the main room again, he enjoyed the cake they
had later and by the end of the 2-hour party he was participating in the
games with the other boys (even a game of tug-o-war which he was
really good at because of his size!).
I saw this as such an accomplishment for this brave little boy who
learned a great lesson about not racing out because it was scary for
him. I loved the fact that this little boy stated his fears to his mom. That
shows that there is trust and compassion. At the same time, our job as
parents is to help our children to stretch and learn and overcome their
fears. If we fail to do this we might possibly raise a person who is
controlled and debilitated by their fears.
This little boy's accomplishment that day, was truly a win for everyone.
His mother might have learned not to give it to her child's initial
objections and fears about an event, etc...while at the same time, he
will learn that big boy parties can be pretty fun once you get the hang
of it.
Final note...Docmomi does not suggest ignoring or giving validation to
concerns or fears that our children have...quite the opposite. What was
done in this situation by those around the little boy was active listening
and compassion about his fears and then "reframing" them to the
possible positive feelings that might come later.
Live large and have a great week-yours Docmomi
Feeling the Crazies??
So Let's Talk About Parenting...
If you feel like your head is spinning, odds are, your children are running the show.
Have you ever been with a friend and have seen her eyes kind of get that "look"? It
is a look that represents how most of us have felt at one time or another, but it is as
if she is "on her last nerve" (as one of my friend's refers to it!).
The "look" is often brought on by the dynamics that can occur with parents who have
lost the reins somehow. They negotiate too much with their children, make threats
that they never follow through on and avoid going "toe to toe" with their child's
acting out behavior.
The problem with this "avoidance" is that it empowers the child that in certain
situations you are not going to call them on the negative stuff. If you feel like your
child has figured out that they will not have a "time out" in public, then odds are you
will experience some acting out in those environments (you know, your favorite
scenes...child wailing at the bank, grocery store, etc...inciting the morbid stares of all
the other customers!). However, I do not support parents missing out on the things
they enjoy because of unruly behaviors by their child. So, in advance, figure out the
things that your child would not want to miss out on (special event, toy, class, etc...)
and let that be your tool in these public and delicate situations! Give them a warning
that if they do not "turn it around" that they will not get to play with that favorite toy
(see that movie, get those shoes...) and expect improved behavior. If that does not
happen, then let them know only after the task has been completed and you are
safely in your car again, that they just lost their privileges.
Let me tell you something...it is much easier to lay down a tough and solid boundary
with your 4, 5 or 6 year old, than it will be when they are 12. If you are afraid of the
ramifications now, you will clearly have lost that power when they are teenagers.
Here is the thing, kids need the boundaries, they need to know and feel that someone
is in charge and that the program is clear. The greatest disservice we can do to our
children is to be wishy-washy or unclear. Kids need to learn early on how to deal
with disappointment too. It is this process that will help them to problem solve and
develop the skills to deal with adversity later on. Children who do not have clear
boundaries will continue to push the envelope and often fail to learn the concept of
respect...I have seen this time and again with kids that are in the juvenile system.
Give yourself a break and take charge again...it is okay!
So, when you are feeling a little guilty for sending your child to bed for slapping their
sibling, speaking disrespectfully to you, or throwing a tantrum when asked to
perform a basic task; think again. Odds are after a few incidents of tough parenting
with Mom or Dad (or other caregivers) they will know who is boss and they will
respect you more for it.
The parental credo that I follow is "reward the behavior you want to see" and "do
not reinforce negative behavior by giving it lots of attention" (that is when you
negotiate too much, do not follow through with punishment, etc...). More on this topic
later, but give the child one chance to improve the situation and if they repeat the
negative behavior shortly thereafter quickly implement the punishment...which may
be a time out, removal from the room, removal of their favorite toy, etc...
For more tips or questions about specific behaviors feel free to write to me at
docmomi@adviceathand.com or go to the Services Page for email coaching.
From August 2008
You know that life can give us a swift kick. Even with the best
intentions we can get stung or a little bruised!
Yesterday, I went onto an IVF site to assist in my own journey with IF.
I happened upon a post and I responded to it as a counselor and not a
peer (not smart!). In my defense, they did not know that I had been
through the same thing for some time (I could not retrieve my old ID
and by accident put in my email address instead...making me look like a
newbie with tude...). However, taking responsibility for my common
approach of jumping in too quickly, it was my bad for not treading a
little more carefully! Lesson learned.
With that said, I did come across a couple of really great sites for
women dealing with infertility...
www.Fertilethoughts.com
www.twoweekwait.com
www.ivfsupportcentral.com
www.fertilitystories.com
www.givf.com
Relationships and letting go...
If you have to ask, then something probably is not right. How many
times have you listened to a girl friend complain about that boyfriend?
She's "been with him" (whatever that means!) for four years and he is
rarely seen at family functions or at parties with friends or helping her
when she needs it. Yet, she gushes about "how amazing" he is and how
she "feels" when she is with him (4 days out of the month) and you are
strongly suspecting that he is involved with someone else. So...what do
you do? Send her here ASAP...seriously! Have her write to me. This is
probably the most common stumbling block for otherwise bright
women. They lose much of their precious years and then find
themselves hovering around 40 and feeling oddly desperate and
frustrated and eventually not loving themselves as they should.
As her close friend, it is pretty much impossible to convince her that he
is a dimey dog (my expression...I will explain if you would like at
another time!), and she is the loser in the process. Also, as you have
already figured out, it does not help the relationship much when you
bring it up and she then directs her anger towards you...well, that is
just a bunch of yuck!
So, if this sounds way too familiar and/or the person we are talking
about is maybe even you...then write to me and we will figure out a
healthy way for you (or your friend) to have the life you want :)
Expectations...
Do you feel a bit puzzled, frustrated, yet excited about dating? If so, join the club!
Many of us going through the trenches of dating relationships have experienced all of
the above. A big problem is having different expectations from the person you are
interested in. Often we hear and see and project what we want onto the other
person or situation. That is the first mistake! The second is just not listening to what
the other person is really saying about where they stand and what they have to
offer. Get clear about what you want from a relationship and then try not to put those
expectations on the other person. If you really listen and pay attention to whether
their actions match their words then you might get on the right track. If you want to
work more specifically on your dating life and/or relationship please sign up for the
E-Article on dating and let's get started or sign up for my "dating coach" emails. Go
to my Services page or email me at docmomi@adviceathand.com...and get on with
your life.
Book recommendations...
Extraordinary Circumstances
by Scott Berne. You can order this true
story written by a friend of mine who
is a survivor on many levels. He and
his brother were victims of parental
kidnapping that became the landmark
case of parental abduction in the US.
You can purchase this book through
www.BarnesandNobles.com or visit a
store. Feel free to email me at
customerservice@adviceathand.com
for books that you would like to
recommend. Thanks! Docmomi
Extraordinary Circumstances
by Scott Berne. You can order this true
story written by a friend of mine who
is a survivor on many levels. He and
his brother were victims of parental
kidnapping that became the landmark
case of parental abduction in the US.
You can purchase this book through
www.BarnesandNobles.com or visit a
store. Feel free to email me at
customerservice@adviceathand.com
for books that you would like to
recommend. Thanks! Docmomi
How to Videos & Articles: eHow.com
I wanted to mention a book for pregnant
ladies that is so funny...by Jenny McCarthy it
is called "Belly Laughs." My neighbor dropped
it off and it was so on the mark and a fast
read. I recommend reading parts of it to your
partner or parent or whomever is your
support during this time...especially if they
have a tendency to point out women with
great legs and other gorgeous people :)
docmomi@adviceathand.com
ladies that is so funny...by Jenny McCarthy it
is called "Belly Laughs." My neighbor dropped
it off and it was so on the mark and a fast
read. I recommend reading parts of it to your
partner or parent or whomever is your
support during this time...especially if they
have a tendency to point out women with
great legs and other gorgeous people :)
docmomi@adviceathand.com
Selfish plug...Okay, I have just "Discovered" Discovery Toys! These are
wonderful products with the educational/play/safety aspects most parents and
teachers of young children are looking for. I have a new website for these
products ~ so please peruse and order if you like. There is a life time
guarantee of the products...really...just click on this link...Order Discovery
Toys or review their products!
wonderful products with the educational/play/safety aspects most parents and
teachers of young children are looking for. I have a new website for these
products ~ so please peruse and order if you like. There is a life time
guarantee of the products...really...just click on this link...Order Discovery
Toys or review their products!